Let me provide a little background so the examples of the article make sense. About 3 months ago I resolved not to have a single sip of alcohol for one year. There were many reasons for this which are not the subject of this article. Here are two reasons just to hold you over. Firstly I feel we use alcohol as a crutch to avoid pain that would otherwise motivate us to improve or change. Instead of learning to let loose, dance, or talk to strangers naturally we turn to a social lubricant to make it easier. Removing this lubricant fosters growth. Secondly I see it as an excellent social experiment which will certainly result in a book deal.

So that brings us to the point of this article. What have I learnt about my peers and identity role from this experience.

Do Not Underestimate People
There is a lot of talk in coaching circles about the power of peer groups. The concept that others will try and bring you down to their level or spread the misery is thrown around often. Examples are told of the fat friend who will always encourage  you to have dessert or the single friend who will sabotage your relationships. The other part of this discussion is that we have a certain identity within a peer group. For instance you might be the one who is always funny or boring, early or late, failing or succeeding. These roles are constantly reinforced and become a self fulfilling prophecy, making change much more difficult.

**Note: I am not dismissing the idea of pruning your peer group. There ARE individuals who are perpetual downers, enablers or just plain self destructive you should avoid. I would rather like to point out that I have discovered the majority of people in my life to be even more awesome than I give them credit for. Often as we change it takes time to see that those in our lives were actually a step or two a head of us and were waiting for us to catch up. **

When looking for an example of peer group influence and identity change there is no better example than my own. During my undergraduate I became a member of the Sigma Chi Fraternity. This was actually the beginning of my leadership experience and I have since realized many of the values I coach have roots in the lessons taught to me throughout my undergraduate.  That being said, the stereotypes about Fraternity Men and their love of alcohol are far from false. This past weekend was Sigma Chi’s Province Leadership Conference and as an Alumnus I took part in many of the activities and social functions. As an individual who was always leading the social, and drinking, charge in my undergraduate days I should have encountered many difficult situations based on the lessons described above. This was not the case.

By giving up alcohol for one year I was defying two of the peer group roles by changing my identity within a group and doing something that others may want to bring you down for (it is always more fun if every one’s drinking!). Did I find individuals encouraging me to have a drink or ragging on my resolution to bring me down? Absolutely not. In fact since committing to this outcome I have been blown away by the support of my peers: Individuals have congratulated me on it, told me they were very impressed or considering the same thing and glad to see I was doing it. To have spent the last 2 evenings in a night club with some of my closest friends and old drinking buddies and only receiving positive support is simply amazing.

I now sincerely believe that much of the peer group lessons taught by other professionals is false. Below are my lessons on how to make massive, lasting change within an existing peer group.

Set Big, Public Goals
When you write a goal down and share it publicly it does two things. Firstly it makes it clear that you are serious about achieving it and that it is something important to you. Secondly it gets the word out so you do not need to re explain yourself constantly. While drinking 0% beer I have been approached by half a dozen people questioning why I broke my resolution: Amazingly I hadn’t spoken to any of them since setting the resolution. Facebook is a very powerful tool for this. Write a note and explain the change you are making and why you are doing so.

Be Consistent & Show You Are Serious
If on Tuesday you’re never drinking again, on Thursday you’re on a diet and on Friday you’re having Wine & Lobster people won’t take you seriously. If you have a new goal every week and rarely follow through you can’t expect a lot peer support, trust me I used to do this. When you make a decision to make a change people like to test your conviction before accepting it: Survive the first month and you start to inspire change in others and build momentum.

If You Want To Change Your Identity Within A Group Do Something Dramatic
It takes time to change your reputation or identity within a group but can be done. Consider large gestures and stick with them. If you’ve lived as Scrooge and have sincerely decided to start giving back donate your time and money publicly and consistently. When others keep seeing your name pop up related to Philanthropy their opinion of you will change to the Philanthropist and you will start to encounter more and more opportunities to give.

Think about the small kid being picked on in Elementary school. His identity at that school changes instantly when he clocks the bully square across the face: He will never be picked on again.

Find The Diamonds
As you grow and evolve you will discover new things about those around you. Those who viewed you as a casual drinking buddy may be  an entirely different person when they now see you as someone with more important priorities in their life. There are those in your life who have just been waiting for you to step up.

When your goals and priorities change you should look at your peer group through a fresh set of eyes. Within any company, organization or social circle there is always a diverse range of individuals. You don’t necessary need to change your company, organization or social circle instead change your position within it.

In Conclusion….
So often we feel trapped in our identities. How others perceive us really is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Ironically this can be destructive or  powerful and the choice is up to you. Create an empowering identity and those around you will reinforce it and make life easier. Initially change will be difficult and you will encounter hardship but if you are strong and follow my advice you can create massive, lasting change within your life.

I work with entrepreneurs to provide them with the confidence, focus and strategies needed to successfully build their first business.

Take Action Today,

Dan Johnston.